Rather Happy Than Right
I have far less need to be right than I once had, and far less interest in proving others wrong. I trace the beginning of this metamorphosis to a moment about fifteen years ago. I was riding in a car with three valued colleagues. I was in the back seat. There was a heated debate in the car about I-don’t-remember-what, but whatever it was must have seemed important at the time. I was half listening, sort of not there. One of my colleagues remarked upon my silence and asked me, “What do you think?”
Out of my mouth came words that I had never spoken before and never thought before, words that I cannot recall having heard before. I said, “I think I would rather be happy than right.” The thought was utterly irrelevant to the topic, whatever it was, and surprised even me. Did I say that? It came out of my mouth, so I guess it was me. I should add that this came at a time in my life when my need to be right was making me profoundly unhappy, but that had nothing to do with the discussion in the car.
Silence. Nobody spoke for what was probably just a few seconds but seemed much longer. Then one of my colleagues asked, in an honestly incredulous tone, “Is that really the choice?”
I couldn’t answer the question at the time, but later concluded that, while it is possible to be both happy and right, when it does come to that choice, I’ll take happy over right every time. So for years I have tried to be aware of when my need to be right causes me unhappiness, and when it does, give up needing to be right. That has led to the further discovery that, in more situations than I ever imagined, it just doesn’t matter whether I am right or not. Time and events, rather than whatever proofs I can muster, will usually prove the rightness or wrongness of my or anyone else’s thoughts and opinions.
It is tempting to describe giving up the need to be right in terms such as “dissolution of ego”, but that sounds too egoistic. I have been right many times since that moment in the car (and wrong many times). The difference is that I usually do not need to be right. I don’t feel much in the way of self-satisfaction when I am right, and don’t feel particularly bad when I am wrong. And I’m much happier for it.
Is your need to be right causing you unhappiness? Will you let it go?
Note: This was inspired by the comments of dreamweaver72 at the Genius Workshop Google Group.
Thursday, January 26th, 2006 at 6:20 pm ◊ Comment or trackback◊ Send this post to someone who will thank you for it »
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January 26th, 2006 at 8:58 pm
‘…….. take happy over right any day every time’. I’ll second that Dick!
I think that when we let go the need to be right we are subconsciously telling the other person ‘what the hell it doesn’t matter - but what does matter more to me is the quality of our relationship’
What’s more, IMHO, when we make this choice then there’s no way that at some level the other person cannot also be aware our choice.
January 27th, 2006 at 4:38 am
Wow! I am truly humbled that Dick has referred to something that I wrote in the Genius Workshop Google group. This is amazing to me that an author of a popular book would mention my name, let alone feel compelled to respond in his blog. Thank you. I agree totally with you. As I get older, I do find myself letting go of this need to be right. But it is so ingrained within me, it is such a part of who I am, that it does crop up from time to time. It’s hard sometimes to keep it in check. Thanks so much for the responses. You have helped tremendously
January 27th, 2006 at 9:30 pm
Nick — yes. The sense that I think is communicated, especially when the other is someone of value to me, is that what we “think” is not all that there is to this relationship and of far less importance than how we “are”. Ever wonder how the world might be different if DeCartes had concluded, “I feel therefore I am.” Even then, though, what you refer to as “quality of relationship” is often beyond both thinking and feeling.
Dreamweaver — Sad that it is so amazing, isn’t it? And it is hard for me also to keep the need to be right in check, especially when I feel threatened in some way.
January 28th, 2006 at 3:37 am
Well the reason it was so amazing to me was because I assumed that, being mini-celebrities, an author wouldn’t have the time or the inclination to respond so quickly and so directly to a reader and admirer. Hurray for the Internet!! I have noticed that they are starting some author discussion groups in Amazon.com I think this could really be a big thing in the future.
January 29th, 2006 at 4:42 pm
What a simple and wonderful little idea. I too got tired of trying to prove (or simply appear that) I was right so often and gave it up several years ago. Like you said, it just doesn’t matter most of the time. Further, whether the “wrong” thing is an opinion or a process, proactively “proving” that you’re right can often impede progress. People learn when they make mistakes. If they just accept that you’re right with no other basis for it, what it is they were about to be “wrong” about doesn’t sink in.
Let things happen and step in only when necessary. It’s amazing how much time this frees up for more positive endeavors. (This could be weighed against the axiom “Decisions are made by those who show up”, but that’s a topic for another day.)
January 29th, 2006 at 5:00 pm
Jeff — beautifully put. Thanks. People are far more apt to integrate and act on their own conclusions rather than someone else’s. So what am I doing trying to convince them of mine? Just feeding ego, that’s all.
July 17th, 2007 at 6:31 pm
What a great post — great wisdom. Isn’t the discovery that you are not particularly affected when you are wrong incredible? All those years of assuming being wrong would create unhappiness, and then discovering all the work involved in avoiding wrongness (therefore mandating rightness at the expense of others normally) was totally unnecessary?
February 17th, 2008 at 6:41 pm
Uhm. That’s from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.